Well-behaved women seldom make history

Oh but that goes against the first part of the Titus 2 woman. "Reverent in behavior." God's been dealing a lot with me about this one.

reverent- feeling or showing a deep and solemn respect

Allow me to be personal here, this is my blog of my personal feelings on the subject of Titus 2 woman after all. The behaviors in my life have seldom shown a feeling of deep respect for anything. While outwardly I have carried myself as classy as I possibly can, my actions have not shown that I have respect for God in the past. Lucky for me I am redeemed by the blood of Jesus Christ and once repented (and indeed sorry) for my sins I am forgiven and washed white as snow. Not off white or  beige. But White.As. Snow.

The thing is about sin, especially if you've been used to making things habitual, it always come a-knockin' to remind you just how inadequate you were and wouldn't it be fun if you just...? Mind you I was raised in church. A little church in what I now know was a super rough area of Columbus, Ohio. Believer's Assembly. There when I was five I was filled with the holy ghost. In other words, in my 20s I knew better but didn't do better anyway. 

There are so many psychological reasons for why my life derailed but the biggest part of it was clinging to sin. The devil set a trap and I stumbled right into it thinking that my life would be grand. And it was for a moment in time, until things fell apart and I began the process of irreverent behavior. You see, I always have tried to carry myself with some dignity. The thing with sin is that it will strip you of your dignity and convince you that being undignified is the way to go. This undignified, or irreverent behavior, I'm sure helped cause the demise of my first marriage. Not that he was blameless but that it didn't help.

It took me a long time to admit that. Once my marriage began to derail due to an indiscretion by my husband, I took it as free reign to just do whatever. I was 25 and ready to GO! The environment that I was in bred immorality of all sorts. You can tell in the photos of me back then that there was some sort of spirit I was allowing to control my life. I relished in those nights out in the fast lane. Ignoring the fact that I had two children at home. People said I was being balanced. I know now that it was not balance and it was not good for my family. 

As God began to heal my heart from the hurt of my first marriage and the wreckage caused by years of sinful behavior, I naturally began to change. I no longer craved those nights out as I began filling my life with God. I was listening to my worship  music this morning when a song that came on with the verses:

"You plead my cause. You right my wrongs... You overcome. You gave your life. 

To give me mine. You said that I am free, how can it be?"

The world often sees Christianity as a set of rules to abide by. Lists of things you "can't" do. Places you "can't" go. Not "freedom" in the eyes of the world, is it, with all these rules you must follow. It's not that, though. The thing is, when God begins to heal those broken parts, you're filled with a kind of peace that doesn't allow you to go into those places or do those things. You CHANGE. Honestly, living like that wasn't peace! I would wake up from a night out sometimes not knowing where I was or who I was with. Hurting. Broken. Drained. Hair a mess and eyeliner smeared. Don't you know it I felt AWFUL about myself. Just awful. That faux confidence that I put on with my heels didn't bring me happiness. In fact it showed me how disposable I was to others. It showed me what fake love looked and felt like. 

BUT GOD! God has filled me with such a peace of mind. Such a real confidence that I spend time with him that I will continue to have that peace. No pretending everything is OK. Because it's not that I can't do the things I did before it's literally because I don't want to. I don't want anything more than to sit in church and feel God's presence around me. Or sing in my shower. Or listen to Dr. J. Vernon McGee letting His Word wash me. That's freedom. To not have a hangover from what brings me happiness. To wake up every day to the man God did eventually bring for me as a help meet. 

That, my friends, is what "reverent behavior" means. It means being transformed by God to the point God is your solemn promise. That God is directing your steps. And that God has taken those yearnings for worldly satisfaction and replaced it with the true satisfaction of his rest.